Job-wise, things seem to be going downhill for me. I am not sure what is going on with me recently. I have problems to work, and if I try to work, I get migraines. I make mistakes that I would normally not make. I forget deadlines. I feel an unexplainable, overwhelming resentment against most of my colleagues and collaborators. I cancel appointments and work visits and conferences because I just really really do not want to go, with a force that I have not known before.
For so long, I have worked so hard for this job, I have tried to hard to get along with people, I have fought and struggled and tried to swim. Now I am sinking towards the ground looking at other people’s feet kicking and trampling and hitting each other if they can.
There is one thing that keeps coming to mind. Maybe this is the big thing I am learning now:
Doing things that are unpleasant, painful, difficult for you does not make you strong. It makes you weak. It does, however make you strong to do things that are easy, enjoyable, fun.
I have not known this for most of my life. I thought that if I took the hard route wherever I could, I would learn more, grow more, improve myself more, and I wanted to improve myself so much. What I did not know is that the amount of time and energy I had was more limited than I thought, and that using up energy to take the hard route means that you have no energy to do even the things that would be easy for you.
I wonder if it perhaps it is not always the best choice to “follow one’s dream”. Where does a dream even come from? It might be the real calling, but it might also just be who you would like to be if you could choose to be another person. But you can’t!
I think what I did not fully understand when I was younger is that one can not just pick from a huge supermarket of options whatever one wants, and then become this person. Instead, one should try to become whoever one truly is. I had no idea about this difference. Perhaps, if I had just done what was easy for me, and enjoyable, I would be much happier now.
I am like an overweight person dreaming of this beautiful dress which only fits a very skinny person, exercising like crazy, eating little, saving money for the dress, and then finally fitting it on and seeing that the fundamental body shape and the dress still just do not match, and the colour is wrong for her skin, and actually it is very uncomfortable, and actually she has started to hate the dress because of all that she had to do to get in.